Tag Archives: spirituality

The Morrigan

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…I sought divination in regards to some family issues going on.

Was not prepared for what came.

For many moons I’ve been reading Celtic based fiction. Every book ended up featuring an aspect of the triple Goddess, The Morrigan. Then I started reading random fiction, where the cover of the book appealed to me. There was always a character with a name like Morgan, Morgana, Morgaine. Or Macha, the red mane.

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Then came the dreams, the unexplained visitors. The things I was randomly thinking about, endlessly. Then comments from strangers. So on and so forth. I paid nothing any mind, other than coincedental.

The reading came, and it basically said ‘You will know peace once you let the Morrigan into your life.’

Suddenly allllllll the signs and thoughts and memories and everything flooded in at once and I felt bad. She understands I’ve been preoccupied and focusing on the wrong things. I will work with Her once the baby is here, and things have settled some. She’s asked that I’m of clear mind to let Her in.

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She’s asking me to transform. To finish what started a few years ago, as I’ve been in this caterpillar/cocoon stage since. I am excited, and scared. But I feel safe. My mind is quiet somewhat now. I see where my path is heading next. Life is quite the journey, indeed.

Loki is helping me accept my ‘scapegoat’ role I am playing. Yesterday was a day of ugly truths, harsh reality, and the realization that while I play the scapegoat, my father and my sisters are able to function together as a family for the first time in 3 years. It hurts, and I’m creating boundaries to keep myself ok. But I’m also seeing why I have to accept this role. And with The Morrigan and Loki’s help, I don’t feel the victim. I see it for what it is, and I’m stronger for it.

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burning bridges

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My story is not that different from most. Born to a devout Catholic family in 1980. But, I was born deaf.

Clearly my parents did something to deserve me as a child, as far as their god was concerned. There was a trio of nuns that would visit weekly and pray for me. When I turned 2, medical science was a tad more advanced, and the doctors said I was no longer completely deaf, just hard of hearing.

Well, didn’t that become such a cause for celebration. My parents church, the nuns, everyone was amazed! Their god saved my hearing! A miracle!!! I wasn’t ‘condemned’ after all.

Yeah, well…then came Catholic school which was not prepared for a hearing impaired kid in the 80’s. I spent my school years sitting with the trees, away from my bullies and rude adults. Going to church sucked, I could not sing, could not hear the rythym of the hymns. My only friends were the ravens that would visit me. Weight gain came on quickly, and again the nuns were asked to pray for me.

Can not tell how many times I have sat with clergy, asking for answers and getting none. I was 11 when I took my stand and said no more church, or prayers. Enough.

My personal stand did not go well, but eventually I was excused from it all. I became the daughter that did not exist. The other 3 sisters were ‘perfect’, and I was allowed to ‘do my own thing as long as I didn’t tell anyone my last name’.

This served me well, until my mother passed. Suddenly I had to make appearances again. Questions asked, judgements formed. Thor’s hammer around my neck was offensive, so on and so forth. People started praying for me again. My spirituality became a battleground, again.

Except, this time around, I have Odin, Thor and Loki helping. I am not alone. I am not quiet. I am outspoken. I have told the relatives to stop praying for me. I have severed ties and continue to do so. It is slightly painful, a sister who I thought always understood me, has betrayed me. This betrayal has thrown off my game, slightly. But I will stand strong. Who needs blood family when their loyalty is only there if you play by their rules.

And so, moving forward. I will create the family I desire. I will be held back no longer. I will rid the years of shame and guilt I was fed by those who raised me.

I, am finally, FREE.